Good enough?

I am back in training. During pregnancy I was reticent to call any exercise I did ‘training’ as it didn’t have a specific end goal, other than to keep me relatively fit, healthy and sane. Now, however, the workouts I manage to squeeze in to my manically hectic weeks have more of a purpose and so training has officially resumed…. but it looks very different to how it looked pre-baby!

The biggest change is the lack of structure to my weeks. I fit in what I can, when I can, around being a Mum. This may mean that some weeks, such as those with a bank holiday when Matt is around more to help look after Sylvester, see me covering some pretty decent mileage, whilst others are thinner on the ground. A training week pre-baby would typically see in the region of 12-15 hours of various cardio, strength and yoga workouts; now 5 hours is a good week and 2-3 is more typical. This means a shift in focus from quantity to quality and the intensity of the workouts, particularly the cycles, is much higher. If I’ve only got 30 minutes before Matt has to leave for work, then I need to make those 30 minutes count and include some high intensity efforts. If my long rides are now limited to 90 minutes max between Sylvester’s feeds, then I hit the hills hard to ensure a good cardio and strength workout. It seems to be working as I am feeling super strong on the bike. The running, hmm, that is taking a little longer to crack.

After coming back too fast too soon at Seaton parkrun at 5 weeks post-partum and tweaking my left calf, I have had to reel the speed in somewhat. My brain is raring to race but my body just isn’t quite ready yet. All the muscles slacken off during late pregnancy to allow you push something the size of a melon out of an opening the size of a grape and those muscles take a while to regain their strength and return to normal after. I need to remember this and be mindful that my left leg is injury-prone at the best of times and so playing the long game is what’s needed. That said, I feel fit cardio-wise and I have now managed three parkruns in the 23 minute region running very much within myself, so it’s just a case of being patient, strengthening the legs and hopefully those times will continue to tumble.

I have mentioned before the positive effects of breastfeeding in oxygenating the blood and essentially giving your body the effect of being on natural EPO. A lot of women have benefitted from this and have gone on to produce PBs and outstanding performances in the year after giving birth. Ultra runner, Jasmin Paris’ Spine record being a classic example, but also Irish runner Fionnuala Birtton, who recently ran a 2h30 marathon 6 months post-partum is another who has been in the sport a long time, seemingly plateaued and then benefitted from a resurgence thanks to the effects of breastfeeding. Due to these well documented performances, and also to local club athletes I know who have followed a similar trend, there is a lot of pressure on me to go out and bust out a few post-partum PBs already. Mainly it’s a pressure I exert upon myself, but comments from other runners along the lines of ‘Oh, I expect you’ll be back in the sub 20-min 5k club again by Easter’ only add to that pressure. I am, by nature, a perfectionist and the hardest of task-masters on myself; add to this a highly driven, competitive personality and often highly ambitious goals and I pretty much exist in a pressure-cooker environment that sets me up for failure. My husband frequently despairs of me and recently bought me this book….

With a baby who won’t be put down, a home to run and trying to fit in training, I haven’t yet had chance to read any of it, but it is about learning to quash the inner voice that tells you that you aren’t good enough, that you don’t matter, that you have to be constantly amazing at everything and appear in control at all times whilst doing so. Essentially, it is about learning to silence the negative mind chatter – the monkey on your shoulder who leads you to self-doubt – and to learn to love you as you are, warts and all: someone who is not perfect but who is good enough. And good enough should be enough. I have the most adorable baby, whom I have been trying for for four years and had begun to doubt I would ever get; I have a loving, caring husband who provides for us to ensure that I can be a full-time Mum with the option of returning to work or not; I have a lovely house in a lovely rural location near to both of our parents; I have friends, plenty of them, and good friends…. This should all be enough… and yet a part of me still feels that this isn’t. A part of me still feels inadequate. I need to be an amazing athlete too. And I need to be the best Mum. Sylvester needs to have his tummy time, he needs to be stimulated, and socialise with other babies, and he needs enough sleep to consolidate his learning (he only napped in the sling for 45 minutes when the book says he should be napping for 2 hours), and he needs to hold his rattle, in both hands… and shouldn’t he be holding his head up now? (one of the babies at sensory class is the same age as him and holding his head up already, are we behind?)… and I need to take him to baby swim lessons to get him used to the water, and shouldn’t he be able to roll over soon too?... oh gosh, I haven’t read to him today – I must read to him to nurture his intellect… and why is he screaming all the time when the other babies are chilled? Is it me? It must be me, I must be a rubbish Mum.... Yes, the negative mind chatter applies to my parenting too and the perfectionistic pressures I place upon myself are in danger of being transferred to Sylvester…. God help the poor wee lad: I can only hope that my influence is counteracted by his father’s rather more relaxed approach.

So, my main sporting goals for the 2019 season have been somewhat tweaked. Finish in the top three at Honiton Triathlon and Killerton Duathlon and qualify for the GB sprint duathlon team for the 2020 Euros have been knocked down the priority list and replaced by the following:

•          Enjoy spending quality time with my family
•          Enjoy being able to train when I can and maybe do a few local races for the fun and endorphin rush
•          Venture to some new parkruns and find inventive ways that allow Matt and I to both run them (such as our baby-baton change over at Heartlands parkrun two weeks ago)
•          Remove the focus away from times/results and towards experiences
•          Be less ‘full on’ in my approach to everything and instead aim for a healthy, happy balance in life

·         Accept that ‘good enough’ will do just fine, thank you, and that Matt, Sylvester and my parents will love me the same whether I run an 18 minute 5k or a 28 minute one…

Good enough is just that; perfection is an unattainable goal. My value as a person does not increase as my parkrun times decrease. Being fit enough to even compete in a parkrun so soon after giving birth is a massive achievement in itself: I do not need to win the thing to justify my status as an athlete. In trying to fit everything in and in trying to be amazing – as both an athlete and a Mum – I am in danger of missing out on this precious time with my little miracle man. And Sylvester might not be the perfect baby, he has his health challenges with his reflux and he cries more than the average baby as a result, but he’s absolutely perfect to me. I might not be the perfect Mum, but I am doing my best and that is good enough. I might not be the fastest runner in Devon and busting out those post-partum PBs yet… I may never do that and my PB days may well be behind me. But I am running, and keeping fit, and doing what I can, when I can, despite the hectic schedule and diminished sleep and demands of motherhood. Surely, this is more than enough?

At Heartlands parkun in Cornwall - my 199th parkrun at my 45th different location

My 200th parkrun celebration cake, made by the lovely Anne Ephraums

Sylvester took a liking to the cake and made a grab for it - baby-led weaning on cake at 13 months?!

With N1 Tri club buddies Anne and Jim - Anne has been such a support to me since having Sylvester and often brings me baking or comes over to look after him for 30 minutes so I can squeeze in a run. Thank you!!